I have a sense of humour; you’re just not funny
When bullies tell you ‘take a joke’
Tell them to shove it far, far up their arse, or call me and I will tell them. They are the one with out even a sense of humour, and don’t know how to be funny unless it deprecates others.
It has been for ever that women, differently abled people, members of the LGBTQ+ communities, People of Colour, non-sporting, sporting, white people, junior staff members, members of the armed services, managers, school students, flatmates, sons, daughters, non-binary children, wives, husbands, single people, introverts and extroverts the world over have felt pressured by social inequality, anxiety, fear, or a lack of physical dexterity, to avert their gaze and laugh at a bullies denigrating comments, while the bully guffaws and reflects on how clever they think they are. What I am saying is that there are no exact characteristics that define the bullied.
Why does this behaviour happen?
I dunno, bullies are bullies? Not much more I can say about that. I’m not a bully so I don’t know. But I imagine, having been in close proximity to many growing up, as well as several in the workplace, that it makes them feel good about themselves. There are lots of studies about why people bully, the traditional flavour being that they have been bullied themselves ‘only the bullied bully’. However the studies listed in the references below broaden that out and other options suggest that it may be they just enjoy getting their own way, or crave power.
There is much discussion as to what is bullying, and there is actually a National Definition of Bullying designed for schools, which you can read at your leisure here - Bullying no way - Aust govt site
But honestly, in my experience, I think bullying is something which, if being said, or done, to the intended recipient(s) results in the speaker having to instruct the recipient(s): that it is a joke, they should laugh, and/or learn how to take a joke; then it is bullying. Basically, if the recipient is the only one (or only group) left not laughing, being able to smile, or being able to display their true feelings in the situation like scared, horrified or frightened, or in any way othered; then chances are IT IS NOT A JOKE, YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, and YOU ARE A BULLY!
Risk within Reason a website dedicated to helping parents navigate the ever changing tech-scape and high risk behaviors told us in a 2018 blog – here – that bullies show a lack of remorse, and victim blame for having feelings and daring to articulate those feelings are hurt.
What does it feel like to be bullied?
Lonely. It feels lonely, and isolating. It feels like you are completely alone and that you have done something wrong.
To the recipient bullying is a debilitating and exhausting cycle designed to keep the victims immobilized in a deceit, constantly having their own lived experience undermined by intimidation.
Bullying is often endured by victims, and exacerbated by by-standers alike, as people have a multitude of concerns about inclusion, they don’t want to be othered, threatened, or feel any more different than they may already feel. For some reason we all want to be included, and bullying is yet another way we might feel excluded.
The discussion so far:
The Guardian, in a 2016 article by Brigid Delaney“Can't you take a joke, love? Why the 'banter' isn't funny any more” – here – advises that these put downs, lewd comments and offensive behaviours have been choked down by victims, who often feel they need to laugh to ensure their physical safety, or, ironically feel the need to preserve the bullies ego!
Delaney states clearly in her article that things are changing and some landmark cases have started a trend towards intolerance in the community of bullying, and at the individual level people are pushing back on bullying.
But what can you do?
Go stand with a person being bullied, don’t sidle up to them after the fact and tell them you are with them. Go be with them in the moment and tell the bully to fuck off. Or call me and I will tell them for you because I stand with you even though no one ever stood with me. Actually because no one ever stood with me.
Reference Material:
These are some awesome references that will help understand, and plumb the depths of this social cancer, and identify how you can help someone who is being bullied, or someone who is a bully:
Bullying No Way! (What is bullying?)
Australian Human Rights Commission (What is bullying?: Violence, Harassment and Bullying Fact Sheet)
Fair Work Commission (Anti-bullying)
beyondblue (Bullying and cyberbullying)
Australian Institute of Family Studies (Children who bully at school)
I also referenced these articles:
The definition of bullying - Australian Govt definition of bullying
The Guardian article by Brigid Delaney - Guardian article by Brigid Delaney
Risk within reason blog - Risk within reason blog
Health Direct study – Why people bully - healthdirect.gov.au - why-do-people-bully